JOYFUL GRATITUDE #129
I am grateful for an intense and satisfying week in my new position at work. It was one of those weeks where you start out feeling very uncertain and clueless and then look back flabbergasted at how much you learned over the course of the last few days (whilst at the same time becoming more aware of how much there still is to figure out!)
This week I consciously tried to shift from that inner-voice that repeats like a broken record “I have no idea how to do this, what if I don’t manage and let them down!!!” to “what is the next small step I could take to move this forward? I’m curious how that will pan out”.
This is a major change for me. It starts with getting really mindful about how I am feeling, especially when anxiety holds me in its grip, making me double guess everything. It takes deep breathing and scraggly morning pages (or should I call them morning rants?) scrawled hurriedly on the tram in my green moleskine notebook. It takes the leap of faith to just show up every day, believing IT WILL WORK… and in the end, it turns out having that approach brings just a little more ease to everything.
And now, some quiet time on the weekend, to process all this info and emotions:)
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #119
Since the Artist’s Way workshop I attended last month (given by the wonderful Julia Cameron herself!), I’ve been writing Morning Pages daily again. Last time I did Morning Pages that regularly was in 2011 for several months as I made my way through the chapters of Artist’s Way book. After a while the habit faded and I went back to journalling several times a week, but not in the morning and not so consistently.
Though on the surface it may seem like a tedious task to write three pages by hand first thing every day, noting down whatever is passing through the mind, Julia Cameron describes this as a spiritual practice and I would agree. Trusting in the process and being open to where it will lead makes it much more enjoyable.
When doing Morning Pages daily, you can’t really avoid the big things that are going on in your life or those voices inside your head that speak up about how you really feel about things. I feel like writing these thoughts on paper gives space to the ugly stuff, things I might be in denial about and just don’t want to see so I bury them under busy-ness.
Julia Cameron explains that Morning Pages push us take action. It’s true that after noting down frustration or discontent on the same topics day after day, you become more aware of what is important to you. You can then make a change to your attitude or take a small step towards altering the situation.
I am grateful for some recent aha-moments delivered through the pages: for example noticing how much happens in one day on all different fronts (at home, at work, with family and friends, creative endeavours…). This highlighted to me how much stimulation, conversations and events there are to process daily and therefore the need to make time for this (I am now attempting to spend less time mindlessly surfing on the internet to have more space to reflect).
I am enjoying cultivating this constructive practice again and am very curious to see where it will lead me:) Have you ever tried Morning Pages? How did you experience them?
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #115
January has come and gone, with its short days and a bit of snow sprinkled here and there. It turned out to be a month for getting more grounded, with indoor activities like making mood boards, journaling, reading and writing. It feels like ‘maintenance’ on myself to recharge and set a good basis for the months to come.
A recurring theme has been creativity. I am grateful for Paolo and my friends’ encouragement as I take steps outside my comfort zone. I’m glad to be stretching myself and trying new things which I believe will help me to grow in unexpected ways.
Lately I’ve noticed how when I give creativity some more attention, it starts to infuse everything. Taking the tram to the office becomes a chance to observe people and become aware of how the city is changing, rather than just a boring commute. Sitting in meetings at work is like watching improv theater, unscripted human interaction in an ecosystem complete with its unwritten rules and often incongruous behaviours. Cleaning the bathroom becomes a quiet time to search for memories hidden deep in my brain as inspiration for my next writing assignment. I can’t wait to see where these creative paths will lead me…
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #114
I’ve finally chosen the words that will guide me for 2019: IT WILL WORK. It’s not quite as poetic as the words most people choose, but after lots of reflection, this is what I’ll go for.
What I mean by IT WILL WORK is that for 2019 I want to spend less time assuming that things will go wrong and reduce the energy I tend to waste on ‘what if’ scenarios, trying to anticipate everything that may not work. I commit to showing up and doing my part by being organised and speaking my truth, and next to that I’ll let go and have faith that things will go as they should.
Already in the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed a positive shift, a feeling of ease in little daily things and bigger events that would have caused me some worry not so long ago. I am grateful for the feeling that these things now seemed to have happened seamlessly or at least with a great deal less stress than usual. I have the feeling I will channel that worrying energy to more useful (creative!) purposes:)
I wrote about my word(s) from the previous years in the links below:
2018 – GENTLE ALIGNMENT
2017 – GROW
GENTLE ALIGNMENT. Those were the 2 words I chose to guide me for 2018. Already at the end of 2017 I could feel that I was drained, something needed to shift and I needed to make some changes to be more aligned with my true self. The reality was I had no idea how much I had drifted nor how to get aligned again.
This year turned out to be full of exhaustion, frustration and deep questioning. Many tears were cried, hundreds of pages were filled in my journals to try and process my conflicting emotions, to feel them and get through to the other side of the dark woods.
I was reflecting with a friend recently about my words of the year and I mentioned how I felt like it hadn’t really been GENTLE at all. To which she rightly pointed out, that if I hadn’t added the word GENTLE it would possibly have been even more brutal.
The flip side of the coin was that being burnt-out meant I had to surrender, to let go, to rest. It was a powerful lesson in giving up my usual ways of reacting. I have to learn a new, more sustainable way of looking out for myself and my boundaries. Maybe the word GENTLE refers more to how I should focus on treating myself in the midst of this confusion as I try to get aligned again:)
Things I have learned the hard way:
- I need to stop pushing myself. The overachiever in me has helped me get this far but when I push myself out of alignment, too far from my values and deepest desires, it exhausts me and does not serve me in the long run
- I need to balance the parts inside me that want freedom and that want stability
- I need to look for what makes my heart sing and brings me joy, as these will give me energy
- I will practice saying my TRUTH more and experiment with daring to ask for what I need (this is going to be especially vital in the next months as I return to the office, build up my working hours again and figure out where to go from here)
Of course things are not so easy, it’s not like I will never make those mistakes again…. but hopefully I will be reminded of the lessons learnt in this period and slip less easily into misalignment.
Coming up soon, my words of the year for 2019 and why I chose them!
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #75
Today let me share this article that I really enjoyed reading this week and basically put words on what I often feel. Every time I have a tough time at work or something is bothering me, I have a tendency to daydream about taking a sabbatical and exploring far away lands imagining that that would solve all my problems;) Of course I love traveling and will continue to do so, however on a day-to-day basis I want to make sure I remember the concept of ‘the box of daily experience’ and improving the way I experience it, since this is much more accessible and rewarding than constant travel.
Writing JOYFUL GRATITUDE has definitely helped my box of daily experience feel fluffier, as I regularly pay more attention to the things that are readily available such as
- spending time with my family,
- trying new recipes with Paolo,
- admiring amazing plants in the local botanic garden,
- enjoying afternoons with friends and their kids,
- lying on the couch reading a book on my day off,
- going for walks around the neighbourhood
- and a myriad of other small pleasures of life:)
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #65
I’ve recently started an 8 week mindfulness course and in the last week I have meditated daily. Hooray! Having the accountability of my course mates really helps to stay on track. While I meditate my thoughts are constantly running off all over the place to what happened during the day, what someone said to me, what I should have done or what I have to do the next day… That being said, I am glad to at least be carving out that quiet time for myself out of my daily schedule to slow down and strengthen the muscle of bringing my attention back to the present moment. I am showing up with my beginner’s mindset and am very curious to learn and see what all this brings:)
At the start of every year I choose a word to guide me throughout the next 12 months and encourage the universe to send vibes relating to that word my way. Beginning of 2017 the word I chose was GROW. I was imagining the universe sending me gentle nudges to get out of my comfort zone, try new things and become a better version of myself…
Instead, I was reminded to be careful what I wish for… as the universe delivered big time and gave me many opportunities to grow. Amongst others, the task of being the celebrant at the wedding of two dear friends in Thailand, and a challenging new position at work that never seems to ease up. This year I’ve felt stretched way beyond expectations, often exhausted by work and the ‘growing pains’ were sometimes intense. At the same time I appreciate how much I’ve grown my comfort zone, and I’m proud of having done things I could never imagine daring to do.
At our Christmas lunch, I was having a chat with some colleagues about what their word for next year could be. It was beautiful to hear what they were thinking of choosing, a lovely way to get to know them better over a slice of kerstbrood. As a cautionary tale, I told them about what my word for 2017 had been and how I sometimes experienced it as grueling. One of my colleagues cheerily suggested that I should simply have added the word SUSTAINABLY behind GROW. (I was flabbergasted! How did I not think of that myself??! It could be that easy. It was a total moment of reframing for me.) He then proceeded to explain how trees in the forest grow very slowly under the canopy and in that way they become strong. If they develop too fast, ever reaching upwards for the light, they are thinner, weaker and less healthy in the long run.
At this year end, I feel like a little sappling who strived to grow no matter what, without growing sustainably. So during these holidays, while I’m taking the time to reflect on the past 12 months and thinking about my word for next year, I’ll keep in mind the power of words and intention. I haven’t chosen my word for 2018 yet, but it may turn out to be 2 or 3 words to be a little more specific on where my focus will be:)
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #57
This week I attended a very interesting workshop about gender at the office. I really enjoyed taking a step back from day to day tasks to connect with my colleagues and find out how they experience this topic and also hear their points of view.
It was a great interactive session to raise awareness, as well as talk openly about what we see going on in our organisation (not just sexism, but also more generally observations around the importance of diversity and equality) and brainstorm together some concrete next steps to see some change.
JOYFUL GRATITUDE #51
When I think of patterns I usually think of lovely shapes carved repeatedly into a wooden bench or gorgeous detailed drawings replicated over and over on a strip of wall-paper.
Unfortunately patterns are also insidious repeating behaviours that undermine daily happiness and make life unnecessarily complicated and difficult. I’m grateful for the people around me who are helping me become aware of unhealthy patterns in my life.
While this is a good first step, I also realise that now that I see these patterns, the hard work is actually in front of me. In the next weeks and months I want to create new patterns for myself, more adapted to the way I want to experience life, specifically around the topic of setting boundaries. I am looking forward to experimenting…