The mirage of perfection

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Things are not always what they seem at first glance. The leaves on this photo for instance are not autumn foliage, they are actually tiny spring leaves bright and vulnerable.

Lately I’ve been trying to be mindful when I catch myself making assumptions, in particular when thinking this or that person clearly knows exactly what they are doing without seeming to question things, and then going on to compare myself and wonder about my constant doubts.

Some deep conversations recently have reminded me that we are all just human and that we are all simply trying to do the best we can at any given moment, including the people who often seem to have their life perfectly sorted out.  With this in mind, I want to show up and try to be more myself, quirks and all. I want to stop hustling so hard for the elusive goal of perfection, a bewitching mirage, shimmering close by but never reachable as it does not exist.  I want to use that energy instead to be more open about how I feel, even when my truth is awkward and tough, and hold space to hear others’ tough and awkward stories.

Daily morning pages

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JOYFUL GRATITUDE #119

Since the Artist’s Way workshop I attended last month (given by the wonderful Julia Cameron herself!), I’ve been writing Morning Pages daily again.  Last time I did Morning Pages that regularly was in 2011 for several months as I made my way through the chapters of Artist’s Way book. After a while the habit faded and I went back to journalling several times a week, but not in the morning and not so consistently.

Though on the surface it may seem like a tedious task to write three pages by hand first thing every day, noting down whatever is passing through the mind, Julia Cameron describes this as a spiritual practice and I would agree.  Trusting in the process and being open to where it will lead makes it much more enjoyable.

When doing Morning Pages daily, you can’t really avoid the big things that are going on in your life or those voices inside your head that speak up about how you really feel about things. I feel like writing these thoughts on paper gives space to the ugly stuff, things I might be in denial about and just don’t want to see so I bury them under busy-ness.

Julia Cameron explains that Morning Pages push us take action. It’s true that after noting down frustration or discontent on the same topics day after day, you become more aware of what is important to you. You can then make a change to your attitude or take a small step towards altering the situation.

I am grateful for some recent aha-moments delivered through the pages: for example noticing how much happens in one day on all different fronts (at home, at work, with family and friends, creative endeavours…). This highlighted to me how much stimulation, conversations and events there are to process daily and therefore the need to make time for this (I am now attempting to spend less time mindlessly surfing on the internet to have more space to reflect).

I am enjoying cultivating this constructive practice again and am very curious to see where it will lead me:) Have you ever tried Morning Pages? How did you experience them?

It will work

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JOYFUL GRATITUDE #114

I’ve finally chosen the words that will guide me for 2019: IT WILL WORK. It’s not quite as poetic as the words most people choose, but after lots of reflection, this is what I’ll go for.

What I mean by IT WILL WORK is that for 2019 I want to spend less time assuming that things will go wrong and reduce the energy I tend to waste on ‘what if’ scenarios, trying to anticipate everything that may not work. I commit to showing up and doing my part by being organised and speaking my truth, and next to that I’ll let go and have faith that things will go as they should.

Already in the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed a positive shift, a feeling of ease in little daily things and bigger events that would have caused me some worry not so long ago. I am grateful for the feeling that these things now seemed to have happened seamlessly or at least with a great deal less stress than usual.  I have the feeling I will channel that worrying energy to more useful (creative!) purposes:)

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I wrote about my word(s) from the previous years in the links below:
2018 – GENTLE ALIGNMENT
2017 – GROW

Is this what you call gentle??

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GENTLE ALIGNMENT. Those were the 2 words I chose to guide me for 2018.  Already at the end of 2017 I could feel that I was drained, something needed to shift and I needed to make some changes to be more aligned with my true self. The reality was I had no idea how much I had drifted nor how to get aligned again.

This year turned out to be full of exhaustion, frustration and deep questioning. Many tears were cried, hundreds of pages were filled in my journals to try and process my conflicting emotions, to feel them and get through to the other side of the dark woods.

I was reflecting with a friend recently about my words of the year and I mentioned how I felt like it hadn’t really been GENTLE at all.  To which she rightly pointed out, that if I hadn’t added the word GENTLE it would possibly have been even more brutal.

The flip side of the coin was that being burnt-out meant I had to surrender, to let go, to rest. It was a powerful lesson in giving up my usual ways of reacting. I have to learn a new, more sustainable way of looking out for myself and my boundaries. Maybe the word GENTLE refers more to how I should focus on treating myself in the midst of this confusion as I try to get aligned again:)

Things I have learned the hard way:

  • I need to stop pushing myself. The overachiever in me has helped me get this far but when I push myself out of alignment, too far from my values and deepest desires, it exhausts me and does not serve me in the long run
  • I need to balance the parts inside me that want freedom and that want stability
  • I need to look for what makes my heart sing and brings me joy, as these will give me energy
  • I will practice saying my TRUTH more and experiment with daring to ask for what I need (this is going to be especially vital in the next months as I return to the office, build up my working hours again and figure out where to go from here)

Of course things are not so easy, it’s not like I will never make those mistakes again…. but hopefully I will be reminded of the lessons learnt in this period and slip less easily into misalignment.

Coming up soon, my words of the year for 2019 and why I chose them!